Today I will write of something very dear to my own heart…sleep. Sleeping is one of those activities that is so vital to human development, yet one that the fortunate among us take for granted. Obviously it has become something of a problem, at least for many in America, when you look at the sales of pharmaceuticals designed to help people get more sleep. Though my untrained opinion is that this may have something to do with the overwhelming use of drugs designed to keep us awake, the point of this post is not to explore the cause of insomnia, nor to come down hard on coffee as I sip one myself. No, this post is going to illustrate the challenges we face in our family that make best practices anything but achievable. I am hopeful that this post will reach many who have educated opinions on the subject, both through education, but also personal experience. Though I am partial to the scientific method, I am one who believes that even without a post graduate degree, you can have a perfectly valid opinion on child rearing.
It is well known and understood that when a new baby arrives, the parents will suffer from both a deficiency and irregularity of sleep. Though some rare parents can maintain sufficient sleep, most have to deal with the fact that infants do not sleep continuously for various reasons, among which having a tiny stomach and a crazy growth rate are a major factor. Babies need to eat every 2-3 hours generally during their first several months of life, so those mothers who breast-feed and do not pump are relegated to short sleep increments for at least several months. I have learned that somewhere between 4-6 months of life, a child can go a full night of sleep without feeding, which is when we were advised to wean our children into sleeping on their own by allowing them to cry during the night until they fell back to sleep on their own. Most of me believes that this IS the right thing to do for both the child and the parents to achieve a more regular sleep pattern which in turn, has been shown to benefit mood as well as good health, and even better weight management.
The ability to achieve this, of course depends on a lot of factors. In our case, with our first child, we were unsuccessful. Xavier was an eater, and loved his short but frequent gluttonous moments of guzzling throughout the day, followed by a satisfying nap. Sometime around six months, we gave the cry method a shot, but Xavier was very persistent and loud. This was disturbing to both of us, but it was Kerry who ended the experiment after a handful of nights. This was probably the root of almost every real argument we have had since, both of us with very legitimate reasons to behave the way we have. Kerry determined that ignoring a crying baby was not in her nature, and to her credit, she took on the full responsibility of making the middle of the night visits to Xavier which slowed to about one per night, but lasted until he was 2 years old, and little sister came along.
Aside from Kerry’s compassionate nature was the issue of where we live. I have mentioned it many times before on this blog; we live in a multi-unit, true loft condo, and loud noises are an issue. Certainly, this is not a problem unique to us, nor is it unique to loft developments which is why I am so curious about others’ experiences. Regardless, our neighbors were part of the reason for our failure to ignore the crying demands of our son…our ignoring the problem was by proxy ignoring the desires of those nearby neighbors who, yes made the decision to live in a multi-unit dwelling, but a babies’ cry has a way of eliminating rational thought and understanding in the middle of the night. To her credit in most cases, Kerry is extremely empathetic, and behaves very much so in our building.
In April of 2009 we brought home our daughter and second child, Hayden. We had put our condo up for sale seven and a half months earlier in anticipation of needing more space inside our home, as well as between us and our neighbors. The crappy economy took care of that, so Hayden came home without a room, or even a real bed of her own. One huge benefit of Kerry’s four day stay in the hospital with Hayden was the forced weaning of big brother Xavier. He had his last taste of mother’s milk shortly before our trip to the hospital for Hayden’s scheduled birth. He spent the rest of that day at Grandpa Tom’s and Grandma Shirley’s place from where I picked him up around 9:30 pm. This would be our first ever father-and-son solo night, and during the pickup my Dad explained that Xavier hadn’t napped because “he didn’t seem interested in a nap”. I am still trying to determine if that was an act of revenge for my father’s own sleepless nights some 37 years earlier, or simply his own disinterest in battling my willful son.
Anticipating a very difficult night, Xavier and I embarked on the five minute car ride through River North. About three minutes in a peeked in the rear view mirror to see my little man out cold in the back seat. Even as I dislodged him from his car seat and carried him into the apartment he continued sleeping all the way into bed…VICTORY! He awoke once during the night, but fell back to sleep fairly quickly simply rocking in my lap (yes, on the Beast for those who read my last post). We repeated the process for the next several nights as Xavier became a nomad, taken in by various generous relatives. Those four days were an incredible bonding experience for Xavier and I, and even after Mom returned home, Xavier began sleeping through the night, with nary a peep.
With Hayden, we made a few cursory attempts at a bassinet, and later the not-so-trusty pack-and-play, but co-sleeping became the default option, and remains so to this day nine months along. Y’know, it certainly isn’t ideal, but when life hands you lemons…right? We were fortunate that Xavier had established a restful sleep pattern, and Hayden, strangely enough slept mostly through the night from the day she came home. Sure, she wakes for brief periods through the night, and has forced Kerry to sleep upright in bad far too often, but our bed is plenty big, and she is my baby girl, so I am just fine with it, for now.
Holiday season 2009 brought us into a new phase of sleeping challenges. Though we are not certain of the real cause, a fairly mild, but very persistent and annoying bug infiltrated our home in mid-November. It began with Kerry and her unending cough, jumped to Xavier and I, then, finally to little Hayden. Just when we all appeared to recover, we took our holiday trip to Iowa, and the pattern repeated, though this time just for the kids. The inability to breathe through one’s nose will drive anyone mad during the night, especially those with no understanding of why. Xavier began waking up at various points in the night, leaving us with those fun middle of the night rock-paper-scissors sessions which, strangely, I always seem to “win”. Of course, in this case “winning” means staying with the baby who might or might not wake up screaming during the process. I generally prefer to take my chances and stay in bed, of course.
As an added bonus, Xavier tossed in the sudden awareness of all the sounds and lights around him during the night, and may have had too much of a gander on Christmas Eve at the early part of “Night At The Museum”. We definitely should have known better than to think he would find the stick-fetching T-Rex skeleton “cute” and “amusing”. So, going to bed with our smooth routine was no longer sufficient and has become an extended negotiating session during which Xavier negotiates and we say no. We have placed different night lights in various places, adjusted the “open-ness” of the two doors to his room, placed his pillow at either end of the crib, and provided not one, not two, but three sippy cups of water along the bedside. We have stopped short of allowing him toys in bed (don’t want to start the habit of playing in bed) nor have we allowed him to sleep in our room.
Shortly thereafter, he began putting up a big fuss over his midday nap. This had been even less of a problem than the bedtime for at least a year as he has always been a good napper. It occurred to me that his fussiness at midday might not be fear or whatever was keeping him up at night, but rather that he just wasn’t tired. I vaguely recall being early to give up naps myself, and I believe was given a special exemption to nap time at Montessori so long as I stayed quiet and looked at books. I also know that about the only time I can’t fall asleep is when I am told to do so. I did a little research on the various blogs I follow, and became convinced that right around Xavier’s age (2 years and 10 months) lots of toddlers “give up” on napping, at least for a little while. The difference for most is that they go to bed for the night on average around 7:30 pm and sleep until 7:30 am. Xavier has pretty consistently gone to bed around 9:15-9:30 pm and sleeps until 7:00 am, but with his 2 hour midday nap, still got in the recommended 12 hours of sleep per day.
I spoke to Kerry about it, and mostly convinced her to try skipping the nap for a while, but getting him into bed at 7:30. This has been met with some resistance, both from Xavier, and from Kerry, so has been anything but consistent. It is a shame that his new nighttime fears have led to some changes in our own behavior, e.g. sitting with him for the 10-15 minutes it takes him to fall asleep, then getting up at 3:00 am every night to sit with him again, or we might have a better idea of how the skipping is working. I remain convinced that with no nap and an earlier bedtime, he will be a better rested little guy, so will persist, but in these matters, Kerry bears the brunt of any side effects, so ultimately controls the real execution.
To complicate matters (or potentially solve them), we just received Xavier’s new toddler bed, so are about to transition him into his own minimum security bed, and Hayden from our bed into the crib, where she will now share a bedroom with big brother. The toddler bed became necessary now that Xavier can easily get himself up and over the sides of the crib, but most certainly cannot execute a safe and effective dismount with a stuck landing. I am anxious, but confident that the transition, though potentially rocky, will ultimately be good for all of us.
I would really appreciate any personal knowledge or experiences you all could convey on the subject of sleep, but napping in particular. I think that knowing what is within the range of typical vs. completely abnormal would be helpful in making a smooth transition for us.
Be Well!
